To All the Robo-Haters

Much has been said about the building of a RoboCop statue in Detroit. While some have been enthusiastically embracing the notion, others have been decrying it feverishly, taking a few moments out of their busy, cause-driven day to step onto a pedestal and heroically declare that “THIS IS NOT WHAT THE CITY NEEDS!”, “ CHARITIES NEED THIS MONEY INSTEAD!”, so on and so forth—acting as though anyone entertaining the sheer notion of this monument is a moronic bastard.

For some, these angry sentiments spawn from a genuine desire to help the city; these people have donated to charities and volunteered to work with various organizations (and let me remind everyone that these charities/groups DO exist, have for some time, they are wonderful, and nothing is stopping anyone from donating to them, whether this statue is built or not). Truly, more power to them, and I wish more people were like this. For others, it has been their one good deed of the year, proceeding to get off of their expensive computers to play their expensive video games on their expensive flat-screen televisions. MAYBE they'll donate a couple bucks once a year because their favorite bar is holding some sort of fundraiser, but their primary idea of being charitable is “liking” somebody's noble-sounding Facebook post and that's about it. Shallow sentiments and broad declarations online make them feel better about their own lives, and in this digital age of instant gratification, it's a great moral “quick fix.”

I would say that I'm somewhere in between. I admit that I could be more philanthropic, but I do contribute to those causes for which I feel strongly. Sometimes I feel strongly for some rather unconventional things, and in this case, now more than ever (mostly thanks to all of you lazy naysayers calling it deplorable despite doing nothing actively charitable), it just so happens to be for the controversial immortalization of a cheesy '80s movie character.

ROBOTS VS. STUFF

Yes, everybody!  Not only can I write, but I can also draw ridiculous pictures of robots fighting various things!  My talent knows no bounds!

A Non-Economist's Guide to Boosting Retail Sales

Yes, yes, you've heard it a million times over:  the economy is sucking, retail sales are hurting, yadda yadda yadda...but let me fill you in on a little secret:  I can help.

As much as I hate to admit it, I know a thing or two about stores.  Some might even call me a "compulsive shopper," but I prefer to call it "seasoned retail pro."  Too many of my days are spent wandering the aisles of various stores--not looking for anything in particular, just aimlessly roaming to the point where my eyes glaze over, I completely zone out, and turn into a merchandise-hungry retail zombie that feeds off of good deals on items I don't really need rather than brains.

Some might say this sort of behavior should involve an intervention, but the contrary is true.  There's a handful of zombie movies where a zombie is captured and put into isolation for further observation; similarly, you should learn from the vast knowledge I have gained on my countless shopping excursions and apply it to benefiting this economy in shambles.

The good news is, unlike zombies, you won't have to chain me up and poke me with sticks in order to retrieve this valuable information.  I will share it with you freely so that we may go forth and save humanity together!  Yay!

Business-owners and people of the like, I have comprised for you a list of the following that you should avoid at all costs in attempts to "save" your business:

Tales of an Idle Conversationalist

I was at the store the other day, minding my own business at the checkout counter, waiting semi-patiently behind two Romanian women who seemingly bought every item on the clearance rack, pondering whether or not I'd actually wear a shirt with a sassy phrase on the front of it......and then I heard her, less than a foot away:  a little old lady, holding her meager soon-to-be purchases, waiting in line alongside me.  She tried talking to me, making antiquated quips about the mundane situation we seemed to have found ourselves in collectively.

I ignored her--pretended as though I didn't hear her multiple times, keeping my head straightforward, lips pursed, tuning out the din of people-chatter as I furrowed my brow, reflecting upon the sassy-phrased shirt that would soon be mine if I hadn't the soundness of mind to talk myself out of it.  The bitty was distracting me from a very serious buying decision, and I didn't like it--no sir, not one bit.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking:  "That poor old lady!  She's probably lonely and needed someone to talk to.  That was mean of you to ignore her!"

Sure, it probably was, but here's the thing:  I could tell from the get-go that she was one of them.  No, I don't mean elderly.  Something much more terrifying than that:  an idle conversationalist.


Allow me to explain.

Zack Morris: Intergalactic Serial Killer

Here's an insane collage of randomness that I created for Joyst1k's latest album, Zach Morris:  Intergalactic Serial Killer, an apocalyptic little opus about a mutant space prisoner brought to Earth to quell a zombie outbreak--who instead ends up destroying the entire planet.

If you'd like to listen to this mash-up masterpiece (mashterpiece?), you can ch-ch-check it RIGHT HERE:  http://soundcloud.com/joyst1k/sets