Yes, yes, you've heard it a million times over: the economy is sucking, retail sales are hurting, yadda yadda yadda...but let me fill you in on a little secret: I can help.
As much as I hate to admit it, I know a thing or two about stores. Some might even call me a "compulsive shopper," but I prefer to call it "seasoned retail pro." Too many of my days are spent wandering the aisles of various stores--not looking for anything in particular, just aimlessly roaming to the point where my eyes glaze over, I completely zone out, and turn into a merchandise-hungry retail zombie that feeds off of good deals on items I don't really need rather than brains.
Some might say this sort of behavior should involve an intervention, but the contrary is true. There's a handful of zombie movies where a zombie is captured and put into isolation for further observation; similarly, you should learn from the vast knowledge I have gained on my countless shopping excursions and apply it to benefiting this economy in shambles.
The good news is, unlike zombies, you won't have to chain me up and poke me with sticks in order to retrieve this valuable information. I will share it with you freely so that we may go forth and save humanity together! Yay!
Business-owners and people of the like, I have comprised for you a list of the following that you should avoid at all costs in attempts to "save" your business:
Pushy Kiosk Workers: No, sir, for the 1,000th time, I WILL NOT BUY YOUR LOTION. I could actually write an entire blog in itself about how much I hate you, but the public needs to be educated further, so I'm leaving it at this: let it be known that you singlehandedly ruin my mall-shopping experience by trying to rape me with your hand lotion. Every time I go to the mall, I am accosted by metrosexual foreign men asking to see my hands, and it's gotten to the point where I do show it to them....THE BACK OF IT, that is.
Underly Enthusiastic People Holding Signs: I'm not quite sure whose brilliant idea it was to make guys who look like/ARE bums hold signs for their respective businesses. It's just as bad when the sign-holders are (a) asleep, slumped over half of the sign (even if it's a sign for mattress liquidation), or (b) waving, but with a look of sheer and utter misery on their faces. You're not fooling anyone: you hate your lives, you hate ours, and you likely hate your employers, so you'll never woo a single person into visiting the store you represent--and hell, probably deter five times as many.
Overly Enthusiastic People Holding Signs: The other day, I was driving by a Coldstone Creamery, and there was a guy, literally IN THE ROAD, holding a sign urging everyone to buy overpriced dairy items, jumping up and down, and waving his arms around so fervently that I thought he'd dislocate his shoulder. I had to fight my natural urge to run him over. Enthusiasm for one's job is great, but NOT when said job is holding a freaking sign. Honestly, I think sign-holders should be eliminated altogether and be replaced with Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Men instead, because they have MUCH better personalities, and would ultimately lessen my chances for committing vehicular manslaughter.
Sales Associate-Leech Hybrids: There is one surefire way to drive me out of a store, and that is a stalker. If someone starts following me around, asking me to smell their obnoxious floral scent of the day, rattling on about deals completely irrelevant to my shopping needs, then I leave the store faster than you can say "low-rise capris." Sales associates might think they're being helpful, but they're actually inducing extreme mental anguish in me. Whenever I'm shopping, I'd like it to be a non-intrusive experience, and that is rarely ever the case these days. Workers are being told that times are slow, business needs to pick up, etc., and the way to counteract that is to apparently be as irritating as humanly possible. You'd think the scowl I normally don whilst walking into stores would tell these people, "hey, maybe she doesn't want to be bothered," but nooo.....I am perpetually forced to spell it out for them. F. U. Simple as that.
"Buy One, Get One FREE" Deals on Rubbish: A word to the wise: if the product that you're selling is pure and utter crap, then I won't want one of this item, let alone two. There are so many deals at clothing stores right now promoting "buy one, get one free"...but that does not change the fact that they are trying to sell me a steaming pile of dog shit in the first place (metaphorically speaking, of course). Equally unnerving is when stores try to entice you to spend a certain amount for a completely useless bonus gift. ("HOT DIGGITY DAMN! I can get YET ANOTHER crappy lip gloss that I'll never, EVER use if I spend $75 in panties?!? Let me go get 4 more pairs of overpriced bikini briefs then!") Extra punches in the face to stores that are absurdly expensive, making their "sales" not really "sales" at all, but rather markdowns to "normal" prices. I wasn't born yesterday, chummo...you will not fool me with your wily ways.
In short, don't be annoying. It's as simple as that, but an art form that the majority of the human population still has yet to master.
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