The Mega Man Villain Hall of Shame

At this point, one could say Mega Man is a seasoned pro at beating robots, stealing powers, and running around in blue Speedos. With that many games under his belt, however, it’s no surprise that every adversary he’s encountered hasn’t been the most brilliant invention. I daresay some of them shouldn’t have even gotten past the blueprint stage. Therefore, I am nominating some robots into the Villain Hall of Shame that deserve to become scrap metal.

Bubbleman

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: no matter what, bubbles are NOT scary. They are for clowns at kid’s parties, not horrible weapons of doom. Mega Man has had multiple opponents who use them, and I feel pretty bad that he has to defeat them and acquire their power. It’s like getting a hideous sweater for Christmas: you don’t want it, but try to make the best of it. 

Burstman


Both Bubbleman and Burstman use bubbles to thwart our hero, but neither is very effective. At least Burstman’s bubbles ensnare Mega Man and float him up to a spiky ceiling, but even then, I am reminded of the part in Willy Wonka when Charlie and his grandpa steal the Fizzy Lifting Drink and float dangerously close to the choppy fan, which kind of ruins the whole “ominous factor” of this attack for me. MAYBE the bubbles would be interesting if they were made of acid, but that’s clearly not the case.

Blizzardman

Wanna know what else isn’t scary? Snow. Blizzardman’s brilliant attack is a snowstorm. Oooo. Maybe Mega Man can build a snowman in the midst of defeating him. Furthermore, he has skis, and is the robot equivalent to being obese. Umm…aren’t these robots supposed to be agile? I almost wonder if they weren’t referring to the tasty Dairy Queen Blizzard when they named him, because it looks like he’s eaten too many of them (if robots did, in fact, eat). 

Iceman


 Even less scary than snow are Eskimos—especially robot Eskimos. Iceman is exactly that. This has to be the least menacing robot ever created; he pretty much makes Wall-E look like a pitbull in comparison. Yes, his attack is SLIGHTLY more interesting than Blizzardman’s, but how Mega Man could battle him without chortling is beyond me. The only thing that should fear an Eskimo is a baby seal. Everyone else should give them hugs and nuzzle their furry coats. Both of these robots could learn a thing or two from Freezeman, who is the only one that gets the whole “cold things being scary” concept right.

Woodman

Machines and Mother Nature typically don’t mix, and any attempts at combining the two in the Mega Man games has been comical to say the least. Let’s take a look at Woodman. He’s a tree stump with legs that uses leaves as a shield. LEAVES. The anthropomorphic trees in The Wizard of Oz could’ve kicked this guy’s ass with their apples, and they’re rooted to the ground. 

Plantman

Plantman isn’t much better. His head is a giant flower. How anyone could take him seriously is beyond me. Yes, there have been times I’ve considered plants dangerous. Anyone who’s seen Little Shop of Horrors or The Ruins knows what I mean. But he’s neither a giant singing Venus Flytrap nor a flesh-eating Mayan plant. He’s a flower-bot, and is better suited for Strawberry Shortcake than a Mega Man game. The only redeeming qualities about these guys are 1. their levels keep the games’ scenery interesting, and 2. their sheer entertainment value (although they still pale in comparison to Audrey II, since as far as I know, they can’t sing).