A Crock of Boll

If I were to interview Uwe Boll, notoriously bad director of films like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark, I would ask him one simple question: why? Why continue to make film adaptations of video games that are received with nearly unanimous spite? Why perpetually bastardize so many games with avid followers that will meet even a single incongruence with feral teeth, let alone a whole cauldron-full of them? And perhaps most importantly, why are people still allowing you to make these films anymore in the first place? Why?!?

Boll truly has to be one of the most hated directors alive. An online petition asking him to stop his tyranny has obtained over 360,000 signatures (he promises to stop making films when it reaches the one million mark), and Paul Sams of Blizzard laughed in Bolls’ face when he inquired about doing a WoW movie, saying, “We will not sell the movie rights, not to you…especially not to you.” Ouch! Yes, his reputation has spread far and wide, with both gamers and game-makers alike steering clear of this madman.

One more “why” I forgot to mention: why, Uwe Boll, are you such a tremendous ass? A word to the wise, folks: if you suddenly find yourself hated by this many people, don’t go out of your way to make more enemies than you already have. He had a glorious “Raging Boll” moment, challenging his harshest critics to boxing matches in 2006, brutally pummeling all five who accepted the challenge (and proudly boasting, "I hit them so hard, they have brain damage!"), and he publicly stated that he considers Michael Bay and Eli Roth “fucking retards.” Seriously? Way to dig your hole deeper, buddy!

The only way I can justify his desire to make so many game movies and his unwavering “can do” attitude is if he is a hardcore gamer himself (although that still doesn’t justify why he desires to make them so badly). When asked in an interview if he plays games, Boll says he plays the games of the respective films he’s creating “in preparation,” stating that he has an Xbox at home and citing game like Silent Hill and Hitman as some of his favorites—whose films he thankfully didn’t lay his grubby little hands upon.

I don’t think he sounds like enough of a gamer to merit these horrific crimes against humanity. Part of me would try to forgive him if he seemed really passionate about video games, but he’s not. He robs the games’ basic stories, and then horribly warps them until they have become atrocious and unrecognizable in an act only rivaled by Frankenstein and his monster. Despite his claim to play games, I’ve decided that even more lies at the core of what drives him to do the sick things that he does. Boll is clearly a sadist that loves infuriating others; the more we hate him, the more he is driven to make bad game films.

There is only one way we can stop this tricky enemy: reverse psychology.

House of the Dead was actually the greatest movie ever created. I absolutely loved those screenshots from the game thrown in there, even though they pertained to the “zombie rave” plot in no way whatsoever, and their blown-up pixelation looked fantastic on movie screens. And no, you did not cheapen a handful of famous, respectable actors’ careers by including them in your masterpiece In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. It was a brilliant film that truly showcased their acting abilities.

There, is that enough? Are you happy now, Uwe? See what you’ve made me do?!?

I feel dirty.