Cucumber-scented body sprays: I propose a ban on all vegetable-scented body sprays because I find them completely strange and unnatural. So you think you’re going to win friends if you’re cucumber-scented, you damn freak? Try smelling like a frickin’ raspberry or a vanilla cupcake, like any decent human being. I don’t care how “fresh-smelling” it is, I don’t want to smell like a salad, and neither should you.
Ground beef: There’s a complicated reason why I hate this substance that is a mixture between being an occasional health nut and the folklore revolving around Taco Bell’s Grade D beef...and then there’s a very simple one: it looks like poo. There’s a lot of brown, edible substances that I can come to terms with, namely chocolate and the tasty brown sauce at Thai restaurants, but I’m sorry, ground beef. You win the award for Most Poo-Resembling Food, and that just ain’t cool. It’s not gonna work out between us; just move on to somebody else’s chili bowl.
