Cucumber-scented body sprays: I propose a ban on all vegetable-scented body sprays because I find them completely strange and unnatural. So you think you’re going to win friends if you’re cucumber-scented, you damn freak? Try smelling like a frickin’ raspberry or a vanilla cupcake, like any decent human being. I don’t care how “fresh-smelling” it is, I don’t want to smell like a salad, and neither should you.
Ground beef: There’s a complicated reason why I hate this substance that is a mixture between being an occasional health nut and the folklore revolving around Taco Bell’s Grade D beef...and then there’s a very simple one: it looks like poo. There’s a lot of brown, edible substances that I can come to terms with, namely chocolate and the tasty brown sauce at Thai restaurants, but I’m sorry, ground beef. You win the award for Most Poo-Resembling Food, and that just ain’t cool. It’s not gonna work out between us; just move on to somebody else’s chili bowl.
Tie-dye: I’m not going to lie: the primary reason I hate it is because of the hippy association, but that would be infringing upon my rule to not write about people today. There’s a vast slew of aesthetic reasons involving tie-dye that I can write about, however. First off, it tends to come in the worst color combinations ever. Magenta, electric blue, and orange together? No thanks—I don’t care to be blinded by my wardrobe today. Secondly, the pattern itself in conjunction with the color scheme makes it look like a unicorn puked on the fabric. That’s all fine and good if you feel like wearing rainbowy unicorn puke (you damn, dirty hippies...I know that you do), but I prefer to keep my garments puke-free, thank you very much.
Whistling in public areas: In my eyes, whistling is a very selfish thing to do. What makes you think that your mouth-music is so special that everyone in your near proximity wants to hear it too, you obnoxiously happy fucks? It’s especially bad when the song being whistled is a tune obviously not intended to be whistled. I have heard, for instance, Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” whistled before, and it was literally painful. If somebody raped my ear with a large summer sausage, it probably would’ve felt better than listening to half a second of that.
Text speak...on computers: The English language is wonky as it is, and “txt spk” has made it go to hell in a hand basket. It is perpetuating a culture of laziness. Initially created as a mode of convenience, it has quickly become a travesty upon the written word. Yes, yes, I understand that sometimes it’s hard to fit everything you have to say within the confines of a text, and in that sort of instance, go ahead and say “u” instead of “you.” If text speak ended there, I’d have no problem with it. But OH HO HO...how it doesn’t! Instead, I am assaulted with it every single day on sites like this. Is your keyboard really so cumbersome that typing those two extra characters of the word will exhaust you? Unless the majority of your fingers were maimed in a vicious cougar attack, there’s barely a good excuse to see it on here. Breeders, at the rate this is going, by the time your children grow up, they’re genuinely going to think that prepositions are numbers (e.g. “4” as opposed to “for”), so knock it off.
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