The Most Dangerous Halloween Costumes for a Gamer

Halloween is a time of year when gamer imaginations can run rampant. How could a fan turn down an opportunity for cosplay outside of a con without judgmental snickers from the outside world? Truly, Halloween is the ideal holiday for gamers to be their dorkiest, but it can also be the most dangerous if their fashion sense is askew. Thus, I bring to you a list of game-related costumes that you should not attempt under any circumstances:

Black Hole (Beautiful Katamari): An object that devours everything in its path might be good for playing tricks and gathering treats, but it would get old reeeally fast. What do you do when you’ve suddenly sucked your neighbor’s dog Scruffy who isn’t potty-trained into your void? Or worse, that creepy guy down the street’s jalopy of a car that isn’t worth anything but likely has some incriminating materials in it? Being a black hole ain’t what it’s crack up to be, folks.

Wii: Considering how many injuries this thing has caused as a stationary console, I can only imagine how much it could injure you whilst trying to be one. The only saving grace would be if someone attempted to assault you (which they likely would due to the lameness of your costume), and you were able to use your Wiimotes in a nunchaku-like fashion to defend yourself.

Big Daddy (BioShock): Despite how jaw-droppingly cool this outfit would be if done correctly, it’s probably the worst choice you can make for practicality. First off, deep sea diving suits are clunky. Good luck trying to bust a move at a Halloween party in that thing! Visibility is also impaired, so if you do happen to trip and fall in that outfit (which you will), it’ll take about five men to pull you back up. Oh, and for those of you thinking that it would be cute to take your niece around trick-or-treating as your Little Sister, think again: hopefully no ADAM-hungry fans of the game see her and decide to go a-harvesting. Yikes!

Jack Thompson: Unlike the aforementioned costumes, this one is dangerous not because of what you might do to yourself or others, but rather what OTHERS might do to YOU. Sure, it’s perfectly normal to dress up as horrifying, evil people for this holiday, but none strike a sensitive chord the way in which this game-hating lawyer will amongst your friends. Dracula, Wolfman, Satan….pffft. Jack Thompson? Watch out. You’ll get tarred and feathered—and then you’ll look like a dirty chicken, which isn’t a brilliant costume idea either. Double fail!

Merchant (Resident Evil 4): A word to the wise: on a night when children are happily cavorting about and eagle-eyed parents are on the prowl, you DO NOT want to go around as a guy that whips open his trench coat, asking people if they want anything. Even if you didn’t have any weapons on you and instead flaunted perfectly innocent candy for the kiddywinkies, you’d get the cops called on you faster than you could say “trick or treat.”

Mii: If you dress up like your Mii, I will personally smack you, and you won’t be able to fight back effectively because you’ll have balls for hands (tee). Nobody should aspire to be a bobble-headed version of themselves to any capacity.

Please, for the sake of yourself and those around you, don’t be a n00b when it comes to your costumes. It’s all fun and games until you lose a limb or end up in jail thanks to some wardrobe malfunctions. Heed my advice wisely, and you are certain to have a happy Halloween!

The Mega Man Villain Hall of Shame

At this point, one could say Mega Man is a seasoned pro at beating robots, stealing powers, and running around in blue Speedos. With that many games under his belt, however, it’s no surprise that every adversary he’s encountered hasn’t been the most brilliant invention. I daresay some of them shouldn’t have even gotten past the blueprint stage. Therefore, I am nominating some robots into the Villain Hall of Shame that deserve to become scrap metal.

Bubbleman

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: no matter what, bubbles are NOT scary. They are for clowns at kid’s parties, not horrible weapons of doom. Mega Man has had multiple opponents who use them, and I feel pretty bad that he has to defeat them and acquire their power. It’s like getting a hideous sweater for Christmas: you don’t want it, but try to make the best of it. 

Burstman


Both Bubbleman and Burstman use bubbles to thwart our hero, but neither is very effective. At least Burstman’s bubbles ensnare Mega Man and float him up to a spiky ceiling, but even then, I am reminded of the part in Willy Wonka when Charlie and his grandpa steal the Fizzy Lifting Drink and float dangerously close to the choppy fan, which kind of ruins the whole “ominous factor” of this attack for me. MAYBE the bubbles would be interesting if they were made of acid, but that’s clearly not the case.

Blizzardman

Wanna know what else isn’t scary? Snow. Blizzardman’s brilliant attack is a snowstorm. Oooo. Maybe Mega Man can build a snowman in the midst of defeating him. Furthermore, he has skis, and is the robot equivalent to being obese. Umm…aren’t these robots supposed to be agile? I almost wonder if they weren’t referring to the tasty Dairy Queen Blizzard when they named him, because it looks like he’s eaten too many of them (if robots did, in fact, eat). 

Iceman


 Even less scary than snow are Eskimos—especially robot Eskimos. Iceman is exactly that. This has to be the least menacing robot ever created; he pretty much makes Wall-E look like a pitbull in comparison. Yes, his attack is SLIGHTLY more interesting than Blizzardman’s, but how Mega Man could battle him without chortling is beyond me. The only thing that should fear an Eskimo is a baby seal. Everyone else should give them hugs and nuzzle their furry coats. Both of these robots could learn a thing or two from Freezeman, who is the only one that gets the whole “cold things being scary” concept right.

Woodman

Machines and Mother Nature typically don’t mix, and any attempts at combining the two in the Mega Man games has been comical to say the least. Let’s take a look at Woodman. He’s a tree stump with legs that uses leaves as a shield. LEAVES. The anthropomorphic trees in The Wizard of Oz could’ve kicked this guy’s ass with their apples, and they’re rooted to the ground. 

Plantman

Plantman isn’t much better. His head is a giant flower. How anyone could take him seriously is beyond me. Yes, there have been times I’ve considered plants dangerous. Anyone who’s seen Little Shop of Horrors or The Ruins knows what I mean. But he’s neither a giant singing Venus Flytrap nor a flesh-eating Mayan plant. He’s a flower-bot, and is better suited for Strawberry Shortcake than a Mega Man game. The only redeeming qualities about these guys are 1. their levels keep the games’ scenery interesting, and 2. their sheer entertainment value (although they still pale in comparison to Audrey II, since as far as I know, they can’t sing).  

Everything I Know I Learned From Nintendo

It’s not easy being a spoiled only child. No, really. From the day I left the womb, I had everything I ever wanted…except friends. I didn’t know a single kid in the neighborhood, had little in common with my classmates, and barely left home. Heck, I never even learned how to ride a bike. Ever. Needless to say, my life was less-than-typical growing up.

This is not to say that it was necessarily bad; this just meant that I had to entertain myself more than the average kid. My imagination ran rampant to avoid going stir-crazy. I would immerse myself in any piece of fiction I encountered, whether it be a television show, movie, or book. I constantly pretended to be someone else because the person that I was seemed so pathetic. In my mind’s eye, being an Ewok was better than being a dorky girl.

To make matters worse, I was a tomboy, but my parents made sure to keep boys at bay. Tragically enough, I was doomed to play with my Star Wars figures in solitude. And let me tell you: being all four Ninja Turtles at once is a very depressing and daunting task.

Come mid-to-late 80s, I was looking for something more to life than action figures. One can only play with Orko so many times without feeling like a loser. Christmas of 1989 brought me everything I wanted and then some: Nintendo. I traded in my spaceships for a pair of game controllers. It was instantly the breath of fresh air that I had sought for years.