A Non-Economist's Guide to Boosting Retail Sales

Yes, yes, you've heard it a million times over:  the economy is sucking, retail sales are hurting, yadda yadda yadda...but let me fill you in on a little secret:  I can help.

As much as I hate to admit it, I know a thing or two about stores.  Some might even call me a "compulsive shopper," but I prefer to call it "seasoned retail pro."  Too many of my days are spent wandering the aisles of various stores--not looking for anything in particular, just aimlessly roaming to the point where my eyes glaze over, I completely zone out, and turn into a merchandise-hungry retail zombie that feeds off of good deals on items I don't really need rather than brains.

Some might say this sort of behavior should involve an intervention, but the contrary is true.  There's a handful of zombie movies where a zombie is captured and put into isolation for further observation; similarly, you should learn from the vast knowledge I have gained on my countless shopping excursions and apply it to benefiting this economy in shambles.

The good news is, unlike zombies, you won't have to chain me up and poke me with sticks in order to retrieve this valuable information.  I will share it with you freely so that we may go forth and save humanity together!  Yay!

Business-owners and people of the like, I have comprised for you a list of the following that you should avoid at all costs in attempts to "save" your business:

Tales of an Idle Conversationalist

I was at the store the other day, minding my own business at the checkout counter, waiting semi-patiently behind two Romanian women who seemingly bought every item on the clearance rack, pondering whether or not I'd actually wear a shirt with a sassy phrase on the front of it......and then I heard her, less than a foot away:  a little old lady, holding her meager soon-to-be purchases, waiting in line alongside me.  She tried talking to me, making antiquated quips about the mundane situation we seemed to have found ourselves in collectively.

I ignored her--pretended as though I didn't hear her multiple times, keeping my head straightforward, lips pursed, tuning out the din of people-chatter as I furrowed my brow, reflecting upon the sassy-phrased shirt that would soon be mine if I hadn't the soundness of mind to talk myself out of it.  The bitty was distracting me from a very serious buying decision, and I didn't like it--no sir, not one bit.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking:  "That poor old lady!  She's probably lonely and needed someone to talk to.  That was mean of you to ignore her!"

Sure, it probably was, but here's the thing:  I could tell from the get-go that she was one of them.  No, I don't mean elderly.  Something much more terrifying than that:  an idle conversationalist.


Allow me to explain.

Zack Morris: Intergalactic Serial Killer

Here's an insane collage of randomness that I created for Joyst1k's latest album, Zach Morris:  Intergalactic Serial Killer, an apocalyptic little opus about a mutant space prisoner brought to Earth to quell a zombie outbreak--who instead ends up destroying the entire planet.

If you'd like to listen to this mash-up masterpiece (mashterpiece?), you can ch-ch-check it RIGHT HERE:  http://soundcloud.com/joyst1k/sets

A Very Incomplete List of Things I Dislike

Cucumber-scented body sprays:  I propose a ban on all vegetable-scented body sprays because I find them completely strange and unnatural.  So you think you’re going to win friends if you’re cucumber-scented, you damn freak?  Try smelling like a frickin’ raspberry or a vanilla cupcake, like any decent human being.  I don’t care how “fresh-smelling” it is, I don’t want to smell like a salad, and neither should you.

Ground beef:  There’s a complicated reason why I hate this substance that is a mixture between being an occasional health nut and the folklore revolving around Taco Bell’s Grade D beef...and then there’s a very simple one:  it looks like poo.  There’s a lot of brown, edible substances that I can come to terms with, namely chocolate and the tasty brown sauce at Thai restaurants, but I’m sorry, ground beef.  You win the award for Most Poo-Resembling Food, and that just ain’t cool.  It’s not gonna work out between us; just move on to somebody else’s chili bowl.

It's PTS Awareness Month. Support My Cause!

I know the majority of you expect a certain kind of blog from me at this point, but I'm selflessly taking a moment out of my regularly scheduled blog snark to make you aware of a serious medical condition that appears to be affecting the majority of males in my age bracket, particularly those that frequent this site.  It has affected their quality of life as well as those around them, it appears to be spreading, and will continue to spread if gone untreated.

This condition is none other than Penis Text Syndrome (PTS).  For those of you unfamiliar with it, symptoms may include desperate feelings of loneliness, misdirected and uncontrollable sex drive, an inexplicable compulsion to use camera phones excessively in the most inappropriate of ways, and a senseless need to assault female friends with their junk.  Additional symptoms may include (but are not limited to) frequent photographs of their abs as default pics, random friends requests to anything that has a vagina, and incessant requests to see their female friends' no-no bits, even when they know they will be shot down as a result.

Treatment for PTS varies on a case-to-case basis.  Certain SSRIs have been known to help, while drugs like alcohol have been known to exacerbate the effects of PTS.  Viagara is also not recommended.  In some cases, simply a cold shower will alleviate symptoms, but in others, only tasering has been effective.  If you believe your spouse or significant other suffers from PTS, it is recommended that you carry around a small stick to occasionally poke them with if they start to eye their phone in a lusty manner or bring it to the bathroom with them.  This is one of the first warning signs of PTS onset.

An Assault on Early-Morning Ears

Does it bug anybody else when someone working at a cafe/fast food place/etc. is absurdly cheery? And I mean absurdly?

In particular, whenever I go to the Starbuck's drive-through, I wince whenever I hear the barista start talking on the speaker.

Barista: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD morning! Welcome to Starbuck's! How are you doing today?
Me (first thing in the morning, mind you): Um, okay, I guess.
Barista: Just okay?!?!?!
Me: (furrowing my brow and rubbing my forehead with a mini-groan) No...I mean, I'm doing pretty good...
Barista: Well, I want to hear that you're doing GRRRRREAT!!! (Tony the TIger, anyone?)
Me (gritting my teeth): FINE. YES, I'm GREAT, alright?!?! GREAT.

It's at this point that I regret ever having gone there and vow to myself never to go again despite their tasty yet oh-so-overpriced coffee and bakery treats. (I always give in though. I can't kick the habit, man!)

I hear someone attack the person next in line as I pull up to to the window to meet my obnoxious assailant face-to-face.

Barista: GOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!! Welcome to Starbuck's!
Next dude: Uh, good morning...
Barista: WOW! You sound TIRED! What did YOU do last night???

This is just one, particularly horrid time, but there have been others. Oh, have there been others....(*shudder*)