A Very Incomplete List of Things I Dislike

Cucumber-scented body sprays:  I propose a ban on all vegetable-scented body sprays because I find them completely strange and unnatural.  So you think you’re going to win friends if you’re cucumber-scented, you damn freak?  Try smelling like a frickin’ raspberry or a vanilla cupcake, like any decent human being.  I don’t care how “fresh-smelling” it is, I don’t want to smell like a salad, and neither should you.

Ground beef:  There’s a complicated reason why I hate this substance that is a mixture between being an occasional health nut and the folklore revolving around Taco Bell’s Grade D beef...and then there’s a very simple one:  it looks like poo.  There’s a lot of brown, edible substances that I can come to terms with, namely chocolate and the tasty brown sauce at Thai restaurants, but I’m sorry, ground beef.  You win the award for Most Poo-Resembling Food, and that just ain’t cool.  It’s not gonna work out between us; just move on to somebody else’s chili bowl.

It's PTS Awareness Month. Support My Cause!

I know the majority of you expect a certain kind of blog from me at this point, but I'm selflessly taking a moment out of my regularly scheduled blog snark to make you aware of a serious medical condition that appears to be affecting the majority of males in my age bracket, particularly those that frequent this site.  It has affected their quality of life as well as those around them, it appears to be spreading, and will continue to spread if gone untreated.

This condition is none other than Penis Text Syndrome (PTS).  For those of you unfamiliar with it, symptoms may include desperate feelings of loneliness, misdirected and uncontrollable sex drive, an inexplicable compulsion to use camera phones excessively in the most inappropriate of ways, and a senseless need to assault female friends with their junk.  Additional symptoms may include (but are not limited to) frequent photographs of their abs as default pics, random friends requests to anything that has a vagina, and incessant requests to see their female friends' no-no bits, even when they know they will be shot down as a result.

Treatment for PTS varies on a case-to-case basis.  Certain SSRIs have been known to help, while drugs like alcohol have been known to exacerbate the effects of PTS.  Viagara is also not recommended.  In some cases, simply a cold shower will alleviate symptoms, but in others, only tasering has been effective.  If you believe your spouse or significant other suffers from PTS, it is recommended that you carry around a small stick to occasionally poke them with if they start to eye their phone in a lusty manner or bring it to the bathroom with them.  This is one of the first warning signs of PTS onset.

An Assault on Early-Morning Ears

Does it bug anybody else when someone working at a cafe/fast food place/etc. is absurdly cheery? And I mean absurdly?

In particular, whenever I go to the Starbuck's drive-through, I wince whenever I hear the barista start talking on the speaker.

Barista: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD morning! Welcome to Starbuck's! How are you doing today?
Me (first thing in the morning, mind you): Um, okay, I guess.
Barista: Just okay?!?!?!
Me: (furrowing my brow and rubbing my forehead with a mini-groan) No...I mean, I'm doing pretty good...
Barista: Well, I want to hear that you're doing GRRRRREAT!!! (Tony the TIger, anyone?)
Me (gritting my teeth): FINE. YES, I'm GREAT, alright?!?! GREAT.

It's at this point that I regret ever having gone there and vow to myself never to go again despite their tasty yet oh-so-overpriced coffee and bakery treats. (I always give in though. I can't kick the habit, man!)

I hear someone attack the person next in line as I pull up to to the window to meet my obnoxious assailant face-to-face.

Barista: GOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!! Welcome to Starbuck's!
Next dude: Uh, good morning...
Barista: WOW! You sound TIRED! What did YOU do last night???

This is just one, particularly horrid time, but there have been others. Oh, have there been others....(*shudder*)

A Guide to Gamer Fashion

Have you ever felt inappropriately dressed for your respective gaming endeavors? Ever played God of War in a pair of Garfield slippers and thought, “Hey, that’s just not right?” Maybe even gone a round of DDR in those one-size-up pants you vowed to only wear on “fat days,” but wore them anyway because they were your only clean pants, which ultimately ended up around your ankles by the time you were finished playing—or worse yet, those “skinny jeans” that were way too tight to begin with that made you pass out before you were even done dancing? It’s okay. We’ve all had those moment. I’m here for you.

Being comfortable when you game is an absolute necessity, but what people fail to realize is that mental and physical comfort are equally important. Sure, you can slap on a pair of boxer shorts, turn on your Xbox, and call it a night, but is that really going to get you in the right mood for the adventures that lie before you? Probably not, which is why I have contrived the following guide of “looks” to assist you in “feeling” the game:

The Vorhees: Let’s face it: games like Manhunt can be hella creepy, and I have just the solution to make you a little more at ease during such gameplay. Remember that old adage, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?” Well, here you have it. This look is a perfect example of that. Chances are that “The Vorhees” will make you feel right at home during the scariest of games, all the while frightening off any burglars that might’ve considered looting your house while you were too busy gaming to notice.

The Full Metal Jacket: What’s the point of a first-person shooter like Call of Duty? To make you feel like you’re actually in the game, of course! Why not take that to the next level by actually looking the part to further your immersion? Actually donning the same garb as your character in the game will help you “feel” the part, and also help you gain cool points with all of your LARPing friends. On the other hand, it will probably make the rest of your friends back away from the room slowly and never talk to you again—which I suppose isn’t all that bad either, if you were looking for some more “alone time” with your console.

The Fluffy Friend: Games likes Nintendogs and Petz were designed to make you feel warm and fuzzy, with all of those big-eyed, furry friends prancing about your screen. Thus, why not feel warm and fuzzy in the most literal of senses whilst playing? Slap on a pair of animal ears, gather up your favorite stuffed animals, and play away. Bonus: after you’re done, you can attend the nearest anime con in the same get-up and be the cat’s meow (ha!)

Felonious Fashionista: When you play a game like GTA, the whole point is to feel bad. What better to get you in the mood for mischief than a ski mask? Nothing says “I am SO freaking ready to steal some cars and shoot some people” than something worn at a heist. Just make sure to take it off before driving to 7-11 to get the mid-game Slurpee, lest you’ll end up serving some unwarranted jail time.

Anonymous: There are simply too many games to mention where this black bar will likely make you feel better about yourself. Also an alternate look for Petz, if you choose to play it around other people. Warning: may not be enough to shield you from the shame felt after playing Barbie Horse Adventure.

Or…..(drumroll please)

…you can simply be comfortable. Groundbreaking advice, I know.

Take heed.

A Crock of Boll

If I were to interview Uwe Boll, notoriously bad director of films like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark, I would ask him one simple question: why? Why continue to make film adaptations of video games that are received with nearly unanimous spite? Why perpetually bastardize so many games with avid followers that will meet even a single incongruence with feral teeth, let alone a whole cauldron-full of them? And perhaps most importantly, why are people still allowing you to make these films anymore in the first place? Why?!?

Boll truly has to be one of the most hated directors alive. An online petition asking him to stop his tyranny has obtained over 360,000 signatures (he promises to stop making films when it reaches the one million mark), and Paul Sams of Blizzard laughed in Bolls’ face when he inquired about doing a WoW movie, saying, “We will not sell the movie rights, not to you…especially not to you.” Ouch! Yes, his reputation has spread far and wide, with both gamers and game-makers alike steering clear of this madman.