To All the Robo-Haters

Much has been said about the building of a RoboCop statue in Detroit. While some have been enthusiastically embracing the notion, others have been decrying it feverishly, taking a few moments out of their busy, cause-driven day to step onto a pedestal and heroically declare that “THIS IS NOT WHAT THE CITY NEEDS!”, “ CHARITIES NEED THIS MONEY INSTEAD!”, so on and so forth—acting as though anyone entertaining the sheer notion of this monument is a moronic bastard.

For some, these angry sentiments spawn from a genuine desire to help the city; these people have donated to charities and volunteered to work with various organizations (and let me remind everyone that these charities/groups DO exist, have for some time, they are wonderful, and nothing is stopping anyone from donating to them, whether this statue is built or not). Truly, more power to them, and I wish more people were like this. For others, it has been their one good deed of the year, proceeding to get off of their expensive computers to play their expensive video games on their expensive flat-screen televisions. MAYBE they'll donate a couple bucks once a year because their favorite bar is holding some sort of fundraiser, but their primary idea of being charitable is “liking” somebody's noble-sounding Facebook post and that's about it. Shallow sentiments and broad declarations online make them feel better about their own lives, and in this digital age of instant gratification, it's a great moral “quick fix.”

I would say that I'm somewhere in between. I admit that I could be more philanthropic, but I do contribute to those causes for which I feel strongly. Sometimes I feel strongly for some rather unconventional things, and in this case, now more than ever (mostly thanks to all of you lazy naysayers calling it deplorable despite doing nothing actively charitable), it just so happens to be for the controversial immortalization of a cheesy '80s movie character.

ROBOTS VS. STUFF

Yes, everybody!  Not only can I write, but I can also draw ridiculous pictures of robots fighting various things!  My talent knows no bounds!

A Non-Economist's Guide to Boosting Retail Sales

Yes, yes, you've heard it a million times over:  the economy is sucking, retail sales are hurting, yadda yadda yadda...but let me fill you in on a little secret:  I can help.

As much as I hate to admit it, I know a thing or two about stores.  Some might even call me a "compulsive shopper," but I prefer to call it "seasoned retail pro."  Too many of my days are spent wandering the aisles of various stores--not looking for anything in particular, just aimlessly roaming to the point where my eyes glaze over, I completely zone out, and turn into a merchandise-hungry retail zombie that feeds off of good deals on items I don't really need rather than brains.

Some might say this sort of behavior should involve an intervention, but the contrary is true.  There's a handful of zombie movies where a zombie is captured and put into isolation for further observation; similarly, you should learn from the vast knowledge I have gained on my countless shopping excursions and apply it to benefiting this economy in shambles.

The good news is, unlike zombies, you won't have to chain me up and poke me with sticks in order to retrieve this valuable information.  I will share it with you freely so that we may go forth and save humanity together!  Yay!

Business-owners and people of the like, I have comprised for you a list of the following that you should avoid at all costs in attempts to "save" your business:

Tales of an Idle Conversationalist

I was at the store the other day, minding my own business at the checkout counter, waiting semi-patiently behind two Romanian women who seemingly bought every item on the clearance rack, pondering whether or not I'd actually wear a shirt with a sassy phrase on the front of it......and then I heard her, less than a foot away:  a little old lady, holding her meager soon-to-be purchases, waiting in line alongside me.  She tried talking to me, making antiquated quips about the mundane situation we seemed to have found ourselves in collectively.

I ignored her--pretended as though I didn't hear her multiple times, keeping my head straightforward, lips pursed, tuning out the din of people-chatter as I furrowed my brow, reflecting upon the sassy-phrased shirt that would soon be mine if I hadn't the soundness of mind to talk myself out of it.  The bitty was distracting me from a very serious buying decision, and I didn't like it--no sir, not one bit.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking:  "That poor old lady!  She's probably lonely and needed someone to talk to.  That was mean of you to ignore her!"

Sure, it probably was, but here's the thing:  I could tell from the get-go that she was one of them.  No, I don't mean elderly.  Something much more terrifying than that:  an idle conversationalist.


Allow me to explain.

Zack Morris: Intergalactic Serial Killer

Here's an insane collage of randomness that I created for Joyst1k's latest album, Zach Morris:  Intergalactic Serial Killer, an apocalyptic little opus about a mutant space prisoner brought to Earth to quell a zombie outbreak--who instead ends up destroying the entire planet.

If you'd like to listen to this mash-up masterpiece (mashterpiece?), you can ch-ch-check it RIGHT HERE:  http://soundcloud.com/joyst1k/sets

A Very Incomplete List of Things I Dislike

Cucumber-scented body sprays:  I propose a ban on all vegetable-scented body sprays because I find them completely strange and unnatural.  So you think you’re going to win friends if you’re cucumber-scented, you damn freak?  Try smelling like a frickin’ raspberry or a vanilla cupcake, like any decent human being.  I don’t care how “fresh-smelling” it is, I don’t want to smell like a salad, and neither should you.

Ground beef:  There’s a complicated reason why I hate this substance that is a mixture between being an occasional health nut and the folklore revolving around Taco Bell’s Grade D beef...and then there’s a very simple one:  it looks like poo.  There’s a lot of brown, edible substances that I can come to terms with, namely chocolate and the tasty brown sauce at Thai restaurants, but I’m sorry, ground beef.  You win the award for Most Poo-Resembling Food, and that just ain’t cool.  It’s not gonna work out between us; just move on to somebody else’s chili bowl.

It's PTS Awareness Month. Support My Cause!

I know the majority of you expect a certain kind of blog from me at this point, but I'm selflessly taking a moment out of my regularly scheduled blog snark to make you aware of a serious medical condition that appears to be affecting the majority of males in my age bracket, particularly those that frequent this site.  It has affected their quality of life as well as those around them, it appears to be spreading, and will continue to spread if gone untreated.

This condition is none other than Penis Text Syndrome (PTS).  For those of you unfamiliar with it, symptoms may include desperate feelings of loneliness, misdirected and uncontrollable sex drive, an inexplicable compulsion to use camera phones excessively in the most inappropriate of ways, and a senseless need to assault female friends with their junk.  Additional symptoms may include (but are not limited to) frequent photographs of their abs as default pics, random friends requests to anything that has a vagina, and incessant requests to see their female friends' no-no bits, even when they know they will be shot down as a result.

Treatment for PTS varies on a case-to-case basis.  Certain SSRIs have been known to help, while drugs like alcohol have been known to exacerbate the effects of PTS.  Viagara is also not recommended.  In some cases, simply a cold shower will alleviate symptoms, but in others, only tasering has been effective.  If you believe your spouse or significant other suffers from PTS, it is recommended that you carry around a small stick to occasionally poke them with if they start to eye their phone in a lusty manner or bring it to the bathroom with them.  This is one of the first warning signs of PTS onset.

An Assault on Early-Morning Ears

Does it bug anybody else when someone working at a cafe/fast food place/etc. is absurdly cheery? And I mean absurdly?

In particular, whenever I go to the Starbuck's drive-through, I wince whenever I hear the barista start talking on the speaker.

Barista: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD morning! Welcome to Starbuck's! How are you doing today?
Me (first thing in the morning, mind you): Um, okay, I guess.
Barista: Just okay?!?!?!
Me: (furrowing my brow and rubbing my forehead with a mini-groan) No...I mean, I'm doing pretty good...
Barista: Well, I want to hear that you're doing GRRRRREAT!!! (Tony the TIger, anyone?)
Me (gritting my teeth): FINE. YES, I'm GREAT, alright?!?! GREAT.

It's at this point that I regret ever having gone there and vow to myself never to go again despite their tasty yet oh-so-overpriced coffee and bakery treats. (I always give in though. I can't kick the habit, man!)

I hear someone attack the person next in line as I pull up to to the window to meet my obnoxious assailant face-to-face.

Barista: GOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!! Welcome to Starbuck's!
Next dude: Uh, good morning...
Barista: WOW! You sound TIRED! What did YOU do last night???

This is just one, particularly horrid time, but there have been others. Oh, have there been others....(*shudder*)

A Guide to Gamer Fashion

Have you ever felt inappropriately dressed for your respective gaming endeavors? Ever played God of War in a pair of Garfield slippers and thought, “Hey, that’s just not right?” Maybe even gone a round of DDR in those one-size-up pants you vowed to only wear on “fat days,” but wore them anyway because they were your only clean pants, which ultimately ended up around your ankles by the time you were finished playing—or worse yet, those “skinny jeans” that were way too tight to begin with that made you pass out before you were even done dancing? It’s okay. We’ve all had those moment. I’m here for you.

Being comfortable when you game is an absolute necessity, but what people fail to realize is that mental and physical comfort are equally important. Sure, you can slap on a pair of boxer shorts, turn on your Xbox, and call it a night, but is that really going to get you in the right mood for the adventures that lie before you? Probably not, which is why I have contrived the following guide of “looks” to assist you in “feeling” the game:

The Vorhees: Let’s face it: games like Manhunt can be hella creepy, and I have just the solution to make you a little more at ease during such gameplay. Remember that old adage, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?” Well, here you have it. This look is a perfect example of that. Chances are that “The Vorhees” will make you feel right at home during the scariest of games, all the while frightening off any burglars that might’ve considered looting your house while you were too busy gaming to notice.

The Full Metal Jacket: What’s the point of a first-person shooter like Call of Duty? To make you feel like you’re actually in the game, of course! Why not take that to the next level by actually looking the part to further your immersion? Actually donning the same garb as your character in the game will help you “feel” the part, and also help you gain cool points with all of your LARPing friends. On the other hand, it will probably make the rest of your friends back away from the room slowly and never talk to you again—which I suppose isn’t all that bad either, if you were looking for some more “alone time” with your console.

The Fluffy Friend: Games likes Nintendogs and Petz were designed to make you feel warm and fuzzy, with all of those big-eyed, furry friends prancing about your screen. Thus, why not feel warm and fuzzy in the most literal of senses whilst playing? Slap on a pair of animal ears, gather up your favorite stuffed animals, and play away. Bonus: after you’re done, you can attend the nearest anime con in the same get-up and be the cat’s meow (ha!)

Felonious Fashionista: When you play a game like GTA, the whole point is to feel bad. What better to get you in the mood for mischief than a ski mask? Nothing says “I am SO freaking ready to steal some cars and shoot some people” than something worn at a heist. Just make sure to take it off before driving to 7-11 to get the mid-game Slurpee, lest you’ll end up serving some unwarranted jail time.

Anonymous: There are simply too many games to mention where this black bar will likely make you feel better about yourself. Also an alternate look for Petz, if you choose to play it around other people. Warning: may not be enough to shield you from the shame felt after playing Barbie Horse Adventure.

Or…..(drumroll please)

…you can simply be comfortable. Groundbreaking advice, I know.

Take heed.

A Crock of Boll

If I were to interview Uwe Boll, notoriously bad director of films like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark, I would ask him one simple question: why? Why continue to make film adaptations of video games that are received with nearly unanimous spite? Why perpetually bastardize so many games with avid followers that will meet even a single incongruence with feral teeth, let alone a whole cauldron-full of them? And perhaps most importantly, why are people still allowing you to make these films anymore in the first place? Why?!?

Boll truly has to be one of the most hated directors alive. An online petition asking him to stop his tyranny has obtained over 360,000 signatures (he promises to stop making films when it reaches the one million mark), and Paul Sams of Blizzard laughed in Bolls’ face when he inquired about doing a WoW movie, saying, “We will not sell the movie rights, not to you…especially not to you.” Ouch! Yes, his reputation has spread far and wide, with both gamers and game-makers alike steering clear of this madman.

The Most Dangerous Halloween Costumes for a Gamer

Halloween is a time of year when gamer imaginations can run rampant. How could a fan turn down an opportunity for cosplay outside of a con without judgmental snickers from the outside world? Truly, Halloween is the ideal holiday for gamers to be their dorkiest, but it can also be the most dangerous if their fashion sense is askew. Thus, I bring to you a list of game-related costumes that you should not attempt under any circumstances:

Black Hole (Beautiful Katamari): An object that devours everything in its path might be good for playing tricks and gathering treats, but it would get old reeeally fast. What do you do when you’ve suddenly sucked your neighbor’s dog Scruffy who isn’t potty-trained into your void? Or worse, that creepy guy down the street’s jalopy of a car that isn’t worth anything but likely has some incriminating materials in it? Being a black hole ain’t what it’s crack up to be, folks.

Wii: Considering how many injuries this thing has caused as a stationary console, I can only imagine how much it could injure you whilst trying to be one. The only saving grace would be if someone attempted to assault you (which they likely would due to the lameness of your costume), and you were able to use your Wiimotes in a nunchaku-like fashion to defend yourself.

Big Daddy (BioShock): Despite how jaw-droppingly cool this outfit would be if done correctly, it’s probably the worst choice you can make for practicality. First off, deep sea diving suits are clunky. Good luck trying to bust a move at a Halloween party in that thing! Visibility is also impaired, so if you do happen to trip and fall in that outfit (which you will), it’ll take about five men to pull you back up. Oh, and for those of you thinking that it would be cute to take your niece around trick-or-treating as your Little Sister, think again: hopefully no ADAM-hungry fans of the game see her and decide to go a-harvesting. Yikes!

Jack Thompson: Unlike the aforementioned costumes, this one is dangerous not because of what you might do to yourself or others, but rather what OTHERS might do to YOU. Sure, it’s perfectly normal to dress up as horrifying, evil people for this holiday, but none strike a sensitive chord the way in which this game-hating lawyer will amongst your friends. Dracula, Wolfman, Satan….pffft. Jack Thompson? Watch out. You’ll get tarred and feathered—and then you’ll look like a dirty chicken, which isn’t a brilliant costume idea either. Double fail!

Merchant (Resident Evil 4): A word to the wise: on a night when children are happily cavorting about and eagle-eyed parents are on the prowl, you DO NOT want to go around as a guy that whips open his trench coat, asking people if they want anything. Even if you didn’t have any weapons on you and instead flaunted perfectly innocent candy for the kiddywinkies, you’d get the cops called on you faster than you could say “trick or treat.”

Mii: If you dress up like your Mii, I will personally smack you, and you won’t be able to fight back effectively because you’ll have balls for hands (tee). Nobody should aspire to be a bobble-headed version of themselves to any capacity.

Please, for the sake of yourself and those around you, don’t be a n00b when it comes to your costumes. It’s all fun and games until you lose a limb or end up in jail thanks to some wardrobe malfunctions. Heed my advice wisely, and you are certain to have a happy Halloween!

The Mega Man Villain Hall of Shame

At this point, one could say Mega Man is a seasoned pro at beating robots, stealing powers, and running around in blue Speedos. With that many games under his belt, however, it’s no surprise that every adversary he’s encountered hasn’t been the most brilliant invention. I daresay some of them shouldn’t have even gotten past the blueprint stage. Therefore, I am nominating some robots into the Villain Hall of Shame that deserve to become scrap metal.

Bubbleman

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: no matter what, bubbles are NOT scary. They are for clowns at kid’s parties, not horrible weapons of doom. Mega Man has had multiple opponents who use them, and I feel pretty bad that he has to defeat them and acquire their power. It’s like getting a hideous sweater for Christmas: you don’t want it, but try to make the best of it. 

Burstman


Both Bubbleman and Burstman use bubbles to thwart our hero, but neither is very effective. At least Burstman’s bubbles ensnare Mega Man and float him up to a spiky ceiling, but even then, I am reminded of the part in Willy Wonka when Charlie and his grandpa steal the Fizzy Lifting Drink and float dangerously close to the choppy fan, which kind of ruins the whole “ominous factor” of this attack for me. MAYBE the bubbles would be interesting if they were made of acid, but that’s clearly not the case.

Blizzardman

Wanna know what else isn’t scary? Snow. Blizzardman’s brilliant attack is a snowstorm. Oooo. Maybe Mega Man can build a snowman in the midst of defeating him. Furthermore, he has skis, and is the robot equivalent to being obese. Umm…aren’t these robots supposed to be agile? I almost wonder if they weren’t referring to the tasty Dairy Queen Blizzard when they named him, because it looks like he’s eaten too many of them (if robots did, in fact, eat). 

Iceman


 Even less scary than snow are Eskimos—especially robot Eskimos. Iceman is exactly that. This has to be the least menacing robot ever created; he pretty much makes Wall-E look like a pitbull in comparison. Yes, his attack is SLIGHTLY more interesting than Blizzardman’s, but how Mega Man could battle him without chortling is beyond me. The only thing that should fear an Eskimo is a baby seal. Everyone else should give them hugs and nuzzle their furry coats. Both of these robots could learn a thing or two from Freezeman, who is the only one that gets the whole “cold things being scary” concept right.

Woodman

Machines and Mother Nature typically don’t mix, and any attempts at combining the two in the Mega Man games has been comical to say the least. Let’s take a look at Woodman. He’s a tree stump with legs that uses leaves as a shield. LEAVES. The anthropomorphic trees in The Wizard of Oz could’ve kicked this guy’s ass with their apples, and they’re rooted to the ground. 

Plantman

Plantman isn’t much better. His head is a giant flower. How anyone could take him seriously is beyond me. Yes, there have been times I’ve considered plants dangerous. Anyone who’s seen Little Shop of Horrors or The Ruins knows what I mean. But he’s neither a giant singing Venus Flytrap nor a flesh-eating Mayan plant. He’s a flower-bot, and is better suited for Strawberry Shortcake than a Mega Man game. The only redeeming qualities about these guys are 1. their levels keep the games’ scenery interesting, and 2. their sheer entertainment value (although they still pale in comparison to Audrey II, since as far as I know, they can’t sing).  

Everything I Know I Learned From Nintendo

It’s not easy being a spoiled only child. No, really. From the day I left the womb, I had everything I ever wanted…except friends. I didn’t know a single kid in the neighborhood, had little in common with my classmates, and barely left home. Heck, I never even learned how to ride a bike. Ever. Needless to say, my life was less-than-typical growing up.

This is not to say that it was necessarily bad; this just meant that I had to entertain myself more than the average kid. My imagination ran rampant to avoid going stir-crazy. I would immerse myself in any piece of fiction I encountered, whether it be a television show, movie, or book. I constantly pretended to be someone else because the person that I was seemed so pathetic. In my mind’s eye, being an Ewok was better than being a dorky girl.

To make matters worse, I was a tomboy, but my parents made sure to keep boys at bay. Tragically enough, I was doomed to play with my Star Wars figures in solitude. And let me tell you: being all four Ninja Turtles at once is a very depressing and daunting task.

Come mid-to-late 80s, I was looking for something more to life than action figures. One can only play with Orko so many times without feeling like a loser. Christmas of 1989 brought me everything I wanted and then some: Nintendo. I traded in my spaceships for a pair of game controllers. It was instantly the breath of fresh air that I had sought for years.